in saecula saeculorum forever and ever
by Kieran Donough
Summary: Life is an unending cycle. Even as one life ends, another is born to continue what has been destined.
1. Musings

Author's Notes: I know I haven't got Sanzo's traits nailed here. It's just that it's been a long time since I've handled characters not of my own (pathetic excuse I know). Besides, I really do need a 'reflective' Sanzo for the succeeding chapters. So please, bear with me.

Standard Disclaimers Apply

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Chapter 1****

**"Musings"**

            Even after living in the temple for most of my life, I found that I never got quite used to having so many people around me. At least not those who constantly annoy me. Being a Sanzo at such an early age gave me the luxury of power. And anyone who dared cross my path was struck down by my wordless glare. Thus people usually left me alone, preferring to approach me only when dire matters needed to be discussed. But I was content to be left alone. Alone to stew in my own private thoughts. I did not need anyone near me especially when I engage in one of my dark moods. I don't really want to involve anyone when I start to agonize about my past. They had nothing to do with it, so I prefer that they not be dragged into the dark realms of my mind, considering my tendency to lash out without much consideration to the feelings of the other when I'm lost in my past. They were some who managed to pluck enough courage to talk to me, to try to get me to engage in their senseless conversations. Others scurry about to try to please me to the best of their efforts, only to annoy me in the end. I have no patience for such people, and I often give them the dressing down they deserve. Though most times a simple glare would be sufficient to send them off their way, giving them enough fright to behave themselves in front of me the next time we met. But these men who surrounded me now were very much unlike the ones I had met before in the past. Countless time I have bestowed upon them my infamous glare. Countless times I have whisked away my harisen from the folds of my robes to send it crashing down upon their heads. I shouted at them. I scolded them. Hell, I even fired at them, but still they would not listen. Oh they'd fall silent for a while. But then the peacefulness would be shattered mere minutes later as one of them starts opening his mouth. And then the string of insults would start again. I never understood how any of them could last so long in my company. I never understood how and why after everything we've been through, they could still find it in themselves to laugh, to be so carefree. But then I realized those smile were only facades. It was their way of coping with the scars of their past. They've tried so hard to mask the pain, and they've worn those masks for so long that it finally became integrated into their being. When confronted, I doubt they would be able to distinguish the mask from the real self. We are all so jaded after all. Men still in the early 20's, but the burden we carry on our backs make us feel older. Maybe this is the reason behind their behaviors. 'Live your life while you can,' I think I heard someone say. Probably Gojyo. But those are all mere hypotheses. The thoughts of a troubled man. I will never know the reasons behind their actions...their motives behind everything...because I will never ask. What they do with themselves, with their lives, I do not care. I have enough already on my hands worrying about the mission, and about the enemies that seem to delight on accompanying us wherever we go. More important, I have their childish attitudes to take care of. I don't care alright if they prefer to act 10 years less their age, but I start caring when their voices start to grate on my ears, like what they're doing now.

            I feel the anger mounting inside of me as the baka saru continued on with his tirade on the injustices of the weather, his whinings on his hunger, and his bombardment of questions on when we'll reach the next town. I could feel the veins popping on my head as his nasal voice continued to assail my ears. I tried to ignore him. One would think that after living with him for so long I would get used to his behaviour by now. But I was never a patient man. On top of that, I was one of those who tend to react on instinct, having to rely on it to save my skin in numerous occasions. My instincts have yet to fail me. So now, as I feel the uncontrollable itch on my fingers, I give in to the desire and draw out my gun, eliciting silence in the air as I fired a couple of rounds.

            I almost sighed in bliss as I drowned myself in the serenity that fell on the group. They've probably caught on to my moody silence as no words of comfort escaped Hakkai's lips. We drove on in perfect tranquility, a luxury I do not often get to enjoy as of the late. The calming silence soothes my anger, and it dwindles rapidly. I am again lost in my own mind, as I let myself be swept by the torrent of my own thoughts. I resume the line of thought I have been pursuing a while ago, before I had been rudely interrupted by their loud racket. And I realize with a start that I had not given any thought to the youngest member of the group. It was completely unnecessary though. I do not need to put in any real effort to understand that saru. Goku had never been hard to read from the start. He was as open about himself as an open book. Every single play of emotion was displayed upon his features. The fact that he did not hesitate to be vocal about his own thoughts only made him easier to decipher. He was in so many ways like a child. So innocent and naive about the world. Easily excitable with new knowledge gained. Exuberant in facing all that life had to offer. There were times when I regret ever bringing him with me in my journey. He should've stayed at the temple, then perhaps his innocence will be spared. Perhaps then his hands wouldn't have been stained with so much blood. Yet there was also a part of me that vehemently denied this accusation. The colder part of me refusing to be defeated and claim responsibility for his current situation. _'He tainted himself with blood by his own will. I never forced him to join me. I never asked him to kill for me. What he does is his own choice and is of no consequence to me.'_

            My mind became a battle zone as conflicts arouse within my soul. Old issues resurfaced accompanied by new ones that left more questions in its wake. Unbidden, my gaze flew up to the rearview to catch a glimpse of him. To seek some form of reassurance within myself and end this inner turmoil, only to find myself staring at those luminous gold eyes as he returned my gaze evenly. In spite of myself, I find I couldn't tear my eyes off him, try as I might. I feel myself sinking into those pools of gold. Sucking me in until all coherent thought fled my mind. I was fascinated with those eyes. How it remained so vibrant, radiating with such purity it almost hurt to look at them. The utter ridiculousness of those thoughts escaped me for the moment as violet remained locked with gold. But then his gaze shifted, and those eyes looked on to me with question and worry. With that simple gesture, the spell that seemed to hold me dissipated, and I was snapped back to reality. Yet, even as my gaze left his, I could still feel those eyes burning on my back. 

            "Hn," was all I said in reply to that silent inquiry. My features dropped into a scowl as I realize that I let it happen to me. _Again_. I seem to be experiencing these spells of captivation more often. This insatiable hunger for those eyes makes it harder for me to withdraw. It scares me how addicting those eyes can be. I feared the day when that addiction will get a hold of my life, not being able to pass a day without gazing at that pair of jewels that were his eyes. But for now, I can hold on. I am determined not to give in to this desire. I am safe for the meantime.

            The first time those eyes held me captivated flew way back three years ago when I had been in the middle of my journey back to the temple. It was that annoying voice in my head that prompted me to veer off my path and to find the source of my irritation. It took me five damn days to get there. The experience was one I would not like to be repeated again considering all the cuts and wounds I received, not to mention the exhaustion I felt upon climbing that stupid mountain. It was a tremulous hike, to say the least. Suicidal to say the most. If it were not for that insistent voice in my head, I would not have gone so far. My need to get rid of it was so bad I even considered blowing up the mountain in my ire. But as they were no explosives at hand, I was left with the other viable option, which was to continue climbing up and shoot whoever that person's brains out the moment I catch sight of him. As I reached a certain distance, halfway to the top, I was able to spy this small cave barely jutting off the cliff you could almost miss it at first glance. The only reason why I didn't was that voice. That _annoying voice. It seemed to come out stronger here and I could almost hear what that voice was saying. At first it was just my name being uttered. So softly you could mistake it for the lonely cry of the wind. Then I could hear it. The despair. The pleading in his voice. Then the sounds became words forming in my mind. _

            _'If this was underground then I would never have longed for the sun...'_

_            'It's so cold. So heavy. So painful. I don't want to wear these chains anymore... I don't want to stay in the darkness anymore. Please...I just want to touch the sun...'_

            The pain in those words served like a compelling force. It beckoned to me from where I stood, until I found my feet carrying me to the mouth of the cave, curious eyes eager to penetrate the darkness from within. What I saw startled me beyond belief. Inside sitting hunched on the ground was a scrawny little boy. Maybe 12 or 14 years of age. Ugly black chains held him shackled on the ground, its short length never allowing him more than a few paces of movement. His thinness betrayed the starvation he was put through. The chaffs on his wrists betrayed the painful sensation he must be feeling, of metal rubbing roughly against lightly tanned skin. But it was those eyes, those molten gold eyes that had me enthralled. Never before had I seen such a beautiful shade of eyes on a seemingly innocent face. But the look of utter desolation on it seemed so wrong for one as young as he. And the bars and shackles seemed too extreme to hold such a captive. Against my own accord my hands move to reach out to him. The bars that held him shattered into millions of pieces like glass. And the shackles on his neck and limbs broke and fell to the floor in a dull thud.

            And then the emotions were replaced with surprise and uncertainty. However, after seeing my stretched hands, it dawned on him. He was finally free! And I was there to witness the marvelous change in his eyes. From the dull dead look, to one of immense joy. The words inside my head had also changed into a lighter tune. The dark emotions already swept away by disbelief and excitement. And an immeasurable amount of gratitude. Slowly he stood up and placed his own grubby little hands upon my own. The feeling of hesitancy gradually diminishing as I clasped my hands on his and drew him closer, wanting to take a closer look at his eyes as it shined brightly in the sunlight. The words came rushing back to my mind. But the urgency was gone. And the pleading note was replaced with one of awe.

            '_His hair..so beautiful...like the sun...'_

            Before I could stop myself, the words had already left my lips. "Kono baka saru." 

            And there the cycle started.__

            His unwavering devotion probably stemmed from that incident. I never questioned it. He never bothered explaining. I doubt his rusty little brain would even be able to come up with a decent answer when asked. So I saved him the effort of thinking. But I always wondered, if someday he'll get tired of following me, of trying to withstand my verbal and often times physical abuse. Tired of my callousness. Tired of me...

-TBC-

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Reviews will be much appreciated.


	2. Rebirth

Standard Disclaimers Apply

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Chapter 2

**"Rebirth"**

            I awoke with a start to the sound of thunder vibrating through the walls of my room. A pair of violet eyes peeked behind closed lids only to be greeted by a depressing cloak of darkness. My eyes roved around the room and lands upon the glass doors that separated the balcony from the insides of my room. As lightning struck, the whole place became illuminated in brightness enabling me to catch a glimpse of heavy sheets of rain whipping up my doors. The wind hitting it with enough force to rattle the knobs, but not enough to cause any worry. I turn away from the view, propping my head on top of my arm and stared blankly at the wall, its color obscured by the darkness. Awaking in a bad weather was not a good way to start the day. It only served to dampen my already dark mood. I decided then to skip classes. It's not as if the professors are crazy enough to brave the storm anyhow. Even if by some miracle they do decide to continue with classes, there's always tomorrow. School won't be going anywhere anyway. So I rest my eyes to sleep. Minutes trickled by but still sleep eluded me. I tried once again, this time keeping my mind completely blank, but it was no use. My consciousness was widely aroused. Thin brows drew together in a sharp frown as my eyes narrowed. That was the last straw. Now I was definitely pissed. I laid on my back to stare at the ceiling. The occasional flashes driving the shadows away for scant seconds until it gets reclaimed by darkness.

            "Ch'!" I hefted myself off the bed and went in search of the pack of cigarettes I had placed somewhere nearby. I located them shortly by the bed stand after much groping, and my fingers latch on eagerly to a stick. I wasted no time lighting it up and drawing nicotine into my system. It seemed to calm me somewhat. At least my bad mood has been alleviated, even if just a little. Now there was one thing that Sanzo guy and I had in common, cigarettes and beer. The fact that our resemblance to each other was eerily great we could be mistaken for twins, or that our names were exactly the same escaped my notice. Perhaps I was in denial. It didn't really matter. It was not like the dream had any great significance in my life. 

            My movements stilled almost immediately as the word 'dream' sank into my consciousness.  I scowled as I remembered the real reason why I was in such a bad mood. It was that damn dream again. I don't know why I'm even having them in the first place, or why I was always privy to that Sanzo guy's thoughts, and his alone. Hell, I don't even believe in reincarnation and all that crap about karma. Never been the superstitious type. Never will be. Yet, the memory of those haunting gold eyes never left my mind's eye. The dreams always did that to me. Plunging me into a world beyond the realm of reality...thrusting my consciousness to this particular man's side...forcing me to listen to his thoughts...forcing me to watch him grow... The sweetness and bitterness of his youth. The tragedy of his teens. 

            _Anger_

_            Loneliness_

_            Betrayal_

_            Hate_

_            Emptiness_

            I looked on as a silent spectator as all these emotions gnawing at his heart transformed that innocent boy into a cold-hearted man. I kept my vigil as he walked on the earth to sate his blind thirst for vengeance. His struggle for sanity as his bloodlust for youkais steadily increased. I was thankful he was able to save himself from the madness within him. I did not think I could watch him destroy himself without going insane myself. I applauded his efforts to fight his inner demons and winning, though just barely. Enough to gain control over his life at least, which was what really mattered. And the bloodlust was replaced with aloofness, forming a thick wall of ice around his heart. A desperate attempt to shelter his heart. To hide what little love he still had within him, preventing it from being snatched and trampled on by fate's whims. Only to be transformed again as he slowly found his redemption through the guise of his 'followers', and through the youth he often called 'baka saru.' And then the memory of his eyes remained in me. I do not know why I feel this strong connection to this boy. I have never met him, and have only seen him through Sanzo's eyes. Maybe because, I'm the Sanzo in this lifetime...

            Even as I thought of it, the words sounded ludicrous to my mind. My lips formed into a smirk as I continued to consider the possibility. It went beyond everything I believed in. There is no such thing as reincarnation. The hell if I'll be the first to believe in it. But for some insane reason, a part of me couldn't help wishing it was true.

-TBC-

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Kieran: In case you're wondering, I do have a plot for this story. But it won't be shown till later.

R&R please!


	3. Unexpected Developments

A/N: Sorry for the _long_ delay. I was forced to put my writer side to 'sleep' due to my hectic schedule in school. Don't be confused by the sudden shift in the POVs. You might have gotten used to me always using the 1st POV. I myself don't know why I suddenly shifted it in the 1st part of this chapter. But, I don't want to edit it anymore because, damn it, I'm tired of editing and proofreading. I've had enough of those with our group's thesis to do the same here thank you very much. Besides, it's not like you can't understand the flow of ideas right? I'll just edit it after I've placed my horrific experience with the thesis behind.

Standard Disclaimers Apply

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Chapter 3

"**Unexpected Developments"**

            Footsteps pounded on the smooth tiles as he raced through the corridors, barely pausing for breath as he turned at a corner. His heart thundered in his ears. His chest constricted from the lack of oxygen as he panted heavily. But he could not stop. Not yet. Not until he reached his goal. Not until he accomplished his mission. He simply could not afford to stop. The urgency of the matter would not allow him to do so. Yet even with these thoughts running through his head, his body demanded that he give in to the exhaustion. He felt his muscles practically screaming in protest over the exertion. His lungs begging for him to take at least a short break. Nevertheless, he held on adamantly. His vision began to darken and the world spun around him wildly, but he was not to be deterred. When it seemed that his lungs would give up on him, he finally reached his destination. Without much thought, he unceremoniously slammed the doors wide open and rushed inside, his eyes darting around the room until it landed on the person sitting quite passively on a large throne-like chair, so absorbed in her thoughts that she was completely oblivious to his presence.

            "Kanzoen-sama! Kanzoen-sama!" His cry seemed to have done the trick as an unusual pair of violet eyes landed on him. A thin elegant brow arched sharply, conveying without words her bewilderment over his frantic calls.

  
            "Forgive me for my rudeness Kanzoen-sama. I'm afraid we have a problem that needs your immediate attention."

            "Jiroushin!" came the harsh reply, almost like a rebuke, but the words that followed were said in a softer tone, as if to atone for her uncalled for reaction. It hinted at a sense of weariness...of desperation...and even a bit of exasperation. She was tired of playing this game. This game called life and death. And it showed in her voice. "I know."

            He couldn't mask the surprise that came over him as he heard her reply. "But how can that be? He can't be alive. We took great pains to ensure he would never be reincarnated again for a thousand of years at least. Did you–?"

            But his question was cut off with a sharp look from his mistress. "I had nothing to do with this. Don't throw unfounded accusations Jiroushin."

            Chastised, he bowed his head in apology. "Forgive my impudence. My worry has clouded my sense of judgment."

            His explanation was waved off however with a dismal shake of her hand, and he was relieved. Though he meant what he said earlier – Kanzoen Bosatsu was known for her manipulative ways – he did feel bad for saying it out loud. He knew what she was going through. He had his share of those emotions as well. Yet he also knew that no one could surpass the pain that his mistress must be feeling. He looked on with sad eyes at the forlorn figure sitting on the chair, and he felt his heart fill with pity. But such as it was, things like these couldn't be helped. No one had ever considered something like this to happen. They all thought they had buried it all behind them once and for all. Only to have that illusion of peace shattered. 

            He took that moment of silence to ask the question that had been weighing on his mind heavily ever since he first caught wind of the situation. "What are we going to do now Kanzoen-sama?"

            Silence ensued. For a second he thought that she wasn't going to answer. But that assumption was swiftly dismissed when her husky deep voice broke in. "What else is there to do? We have to kill him by any means necessary. And we need to do it quietly. We can't have Goku learning about this. He can't find out that his sun has come back from the dead."

            She rose gracefully from her seat and the expression she wore was carefully neutral that if he didn't know how personal the matter was he would've thought that she hadn't had a care. But he knew and that was what made it all the more painful to see. But there was nothing he can do. There was nothing anybody can do. Fate can be so cruel sometimes. Resigned he replied, "Wakarimashita."

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            Rain continued to pour unrelentlessly, much to my annoyance. I had somewhere I needed to be and the rain only served to hinder my plans. I reclined on my bed, lifting my eyes to the heavens, watching as a thick mass of dark clouds continued to swirl, as if mocking me in my current predicament. I scowled at it, willing it to go away with my murderous glare. But when it seemed to me it wasn't going anywhere soon, I turned my eyes instead to the screen of my PC, its light flickering against the harsh shadows that occupied the room. A viscous sense of foreboding hung in the atmosphere, so tangible I could almost reach out and touch it. Yet this feeling of unease was countered by an incessant tug at the back of my mind. Very much like the one felt by the Sanzo in my dreams that got him searching for that 'saru' in the first place. I briefly entertained the idea that perhaps this was some sort of re-enactment to that scene. Which was quite absurd since I sincerely doubt any of my dreams were real. Even if they were, there was definitely no way in this world anybody is going to get me to climb up a mountain just to rescue a gauntly little boy who was noisy as hell, and with an appetite that was going to get me bankrupt in two weeks time. Even with the rate of prosperity the business company I inherited from my parents is enjoying, I doubt it'll stand up long against _his stomach. So it was not for that reason that I had to be out. I have a small 'business' to take care of that had nothing to do with rescuing a baka saru, but had everything to do with putting to rest the questions that had been pestering me for years. The sooner I get this done, the better._

            Having made up my mind, I wasted no time in heading towards the computer, shutting it off, instantly deleting the files that were displayed on the monitor. I had no more need for it. This little excursion of mine will finally put everything to rest. I grabbed my keys, donned my coat, and left without a backward glance, shutting the door firmly behind me.

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            I watched in unabashed glee as the break in the clouds widened. The tiny trickle of light transforming into a large ray shinning brightly on the ground I stepped on, chasing away the angry black clouds that dominated the skies just minutes ago. I held my breath in eager anticipation for that beautiful treasure to bestow its radiant glow once more upon the soft, sunshine-starved earth. When at last it showed its face, strutting arrogantly up in the skies, I couldn't prevent the bubble of laughter escaping my throat. I turned to my companion, intent on letting him partake in my joy. "Look Goku! The rain has stopped. The sun is-"

            The words died before they left my mouth as I regarded the solemn expression on his face. His bangs fell over his eyes, hiding them from view, but the thin line of his lips gave him away. It took me second before it hit me. My eyes widened in realization and I had to kick myself mentally for my stupidity. 

            "Gomen, Goku. I wasn't thinking," which was a really good interpretation to what I have been doing. 

            He only shook his head in reply and lifted his head to smile at me. "It's okay. Don't worry about it."

            But those words did nothing to alleviate my concern. Though there was nothing on his face to indicate how my callous words affected him, I knew I had hurt him deeply. Sun meant Sanzo, and Sanzo meant a barrelful of painful memories resurfacing. True I never intended to hurt him. I wanted to protect him from the grim realities that made up his past. But how could I if I kept hurting him like this?

            A light weight on my shoulder interrupted me in my brooding and I found myself staring miserably at him. He cocked his head to one side in silent wonder at the expression I wore. Then, as if reading my mind, a sad smile appeared on his lips. 

            "Nataku, gomen nasai." and I was enfolded in his arms. I didn't understand what he was apologizing for. After all, didn't _I_ hurt him and not the other way around? But I did not object to his warm embrace. And for the moment, I was satisfied to stay in his arms, preferring to revel in the soothing feeling of contentment that washed over me than to worry over such trivial matters.

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            "Nataku, gomen nasai." I felt ashamed that it was all that I could tell him after everything I've put him through. I felt I should say more, but nothing came to mind so I just drew him close to me in a tight hug. Yet he seemed content with my actions and I was glad. 

            Moments later, he pulled away from me leaving me wandering wildly what I had done wrong this time. Was I being too familiar? Maybe I shouldn't have hugged him. Maybe I should've have left it just that. Or maybe he wanted me to thank him too. Dozens of 'maybes' swam inside my head as I considered each possibility. But I was spared from deciding which one to take as he whispered under his breath, casting all my doubts away. "People are staring at us."

            True enough, when I looked around people _were_ staring at us. Some wore hostile looks on their faces, while the others, mostly the girls of the younger generation, had a dreamy look. My brows furrowed and I could almost visualize question marks appearing on top of my head. Why was everybody looking at us like that?

            "Stupid yoai fans." 

            I heard Nataku muttering darkly, yet keeping his voice so low I barely caught it. That's when everything clicked. So they were staring because they mistook us for lovers! I thought with a big smile, finally understanding what was wrong. It took a while before the words sunk into my mind, but when it did, I felt my face turning into different shades of red.

            He must've noticed my discomfort, cause the next thing I knew, he dragging me off somewhere far, far away from the crowd, both us running.

– TBC –

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A/N 2: It seems that I have unwittingly placed a block on my reviews prohibiting anyone not listed as a member of fanfiction.net from dropping messages. Rest assured however that I have seen to the matter. I trust that with this taken care of, you won't leave without making a review 1st anymore. Constructive criticisms are appreciated. Also, as embarrassing as it may seem, I found out that I made a few grammatical as well as typographical errors in chapters 1 and 2. I managed to revise some of it but have decided to leave the others as is because, like I said, I'm too lazy right now. Besides, I don't think it's that obvious anyway…I hope. ^^;

To Mikarra: Yo! I know you're probably wondering by now when Hakkai and Gojyo are supposed to come in. Unfortunately, I don't know myself. ^^; Who knows _maybe_ they'll make an appearance in chapter 4. Take note, emphasize on 'maybe'.


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